The More; The Barrier
There is something that has been slowly enveloping me over time since I’ve arrived in the east. It goes beyond culture shock. Calling it Homesickness doesn’t properly explain it either. It’s all of those things and none of them. It’s amazingly subtle and yet has an undeniable effect. I can only call it “The Barrier.” I’m not sure what it’s purpose is. I can’t tell if it is beneficial to me somehow or if it simply exists the same way gravity or tectonic plates do. All I know is that it’s getting hard to ignore.
Recently one of my Japanese friends had just discovered the concept of skinny dipping and during a newspaper club meeting asked me about if that was just another American stereotype. When I told the group that I had spent a large amount of my summer nights doing just that with my friends, I felt “The Barrier” pulsate and glow a little more strongly. I couldn’t understand why it in their minds it had to be so dirty, so scandalous, so…. different. I want them to understand how it was beautiful, freeing, and the ultimate show of how much love and trust me and my friends back home have for one another. The feeling of cheap wine coolers in the sand next to you and nothing on your body but the moonlight. I wondered for a second if those feelings just didn’t translate. Everyone laughed and chalked it up to me being a “special” case.
Even with other westerners, I can’t escape the feeling that there is something holding me back from truly becoming one of the group. I mean it’s not a stretch to say that my world view is a bit “granola” but I didn’t realize how different my life in America could be compared to someone from just a few states over. I feel like a walking Portlandia skit sometimes, which isn’t bad, just “special.”
Being “special” had never felt so lonely. I have so many friends here but there is also something holding me back from really making a deep connections like I want to. I can’t express myself as eloquently in Japanese as I would like, so any conversations beyond the surface level tend to end in disappointing misunderstandings from both parties. On the other hand the superficial chats I have become so good at having, somehow leave me even more depressed. My refusal to be interested in Taylor Swift or brand name snap-backs makes this all the harder in Tokyo.
These “Barriers” I think are starting to change how I interact with people and it’s making me re-evaluate who I really am. Most people would scoff at the idea of calling Wolfgang an introverted person, but that seems to be becoming less and less far fetched as time goes on. I’ve been keep people at arms length and for some reason I find that really satisfying… and scary. Pushing people away is not something that I would want the ideal Wolfgang to do, but I find that being lonely alone is far preferable to being lonely surround by friends. I think “The Barriers” may of come from outside of myself, but I decided to hold on to them as opposed to finding ways through them. They are somehow debilitating and comforting all at once.
Knowing this really makes me appreciate how many other “special” people I have in my life. My queer friends who always know exactly who is killing it at Eurovision. My farmer friends who are so passionate about making the community and what they eat beautiful. My theatre friends who radiate confidence and always share it with me. My Trader Joe friends, where you will not find a single boring person in the whole store. If you add everyone I’ve ever met on Tinder, my “specialness” becomes a lot less lonely.
My time is quickly dwindling in the far east, but I’m not ready to give up on finding something here. I talked a lot about how I have trouble making connections with Tokyoites, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. Quite the contrary I love them all very much. I just need to find a way to give myself fully to them, the same way I have to the people I love back home… but I will find a way to make this work, because they deserve the Wolfgang that I want to be. I’ve grown tired of the safety of these “Barriers” I had covered myself in recently. I’d rather be vulnerable if I can help it.
Also I saw a really good concert last night. Look up Lyrical School. They are Idols that rap.